


we're more than flesh and bone

by magicinourfingertips



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: #WritinySecretSanta, Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Angst, Eventual Romance, Friends to Lovers, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Jealousy, Kang Yeosang needs a hug, M/M, Multi, Smut, blowjob, for fucks sake san stop being a whore, hwa may make you cry, im sorry to the person who is supposed to receive this, kenny ackerman vibes from san lol, mingi monster cock, san has extreme himbo energy, san is sorta nuts in this fic?, the abuse is lightly glossed over, there is porn but majority of this is plot, tw: descriptive language used for deformed zombie anatomy, wooyoung is dead before the fic starts, yunho and hongjoong are mentioned for one second, zombie jongho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:53:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28276401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicinourfingertips/pseuds/magicinourfingertips
Summary: “You take all of our pain, you are the spine. You are the blood soaked rag that holds closed the wounds in our soul.”― Cedric Nye, The Road to Hell is Paved With ZombiesOrSan finds a sentient zombie on patrol- and to absolutely nobody’s surprise, befriends it.
Relationships: Choi San/Kang Yeosang
Kudos: 23





	we're more than flesh and bone

Choi San absolutely hated zombies. 

There’s something about the rigid way they move forward as they crumble, the sticky chemicals that seep out of their rotting pores. The pungent stench they emit, but that had long since became the normal scent of air he has to breathe every single day. 

He hated how much of a normalized invasive species they were in his life.

He isn’t entirely too sure on how he has survived this long. Sure, he’s locked inside the safety of an abandoned castle mansion with an abnormal amount of weapon storage, with an eccentric crew (who thankfully don’t hate his mood swings), but that doesn’t always guarantee his survival. It’s hard to think of the zombies as criminals that were once experimented on by the government. The way the broken mannequins ambled forward had no gait, unlike the criminals he saw on the telly when he was younger; tattoos lining their skin, hands held together by metal and a fierce fire in their eyes. Fuck the government for ruining his life. He had dreams of being trained to become a protector of the law, but now he was stuck babysitting a rack of firearms within these stone walls.

He used to cry when he passed by human remains and carcasses on the once bustling streets, the husk of once alive human souls unsalvageable to become the next harbinger of disease. The broken down bodies reminded him of that day when he tried to fight off his dad who had unwillingly turned into a zombie after being subjected to a ‘virus’ test the government had conducted. His dad had stumbled into the house with his clothes torn and limbs muddy on a plain wednesday night, right after his mother came home from the market. Nobody knew that his dad, the man he trusted with his own life, was about to wreak havoc in the only safe haven he had. Hearing his mother’s loud scream seconds later, San heaved the nearest metal folding chair up and ran in to rescue her, only to find that his father had already gotten to her heart, fangs deep into the organ that would soon stop beating. By the time he registered that his mother had died, he had already beaten his father up into an unrecognizable pulp. He ran away that day, his camping backpack full to the brim with supplies that he had saved up.

For the next few years, San offered a service where he would beat up zombies for a living. He would scour the cities where the majority of the government’s human experiment victims lived and let the word slip to their families. By the time he met up with a group of five other survivors who did the same, he had already gotten used to killing.  
He felt nothing when he witnessed Wooyoung, their youngest at the time, get his arms ripped off front of them. The zombie was relentless with his bite, his abnormally strong strength causing truckloads of blood spurting out of the wound messily. The sticky liquid coated the nearest surfaces with a shade of red that took him forever to scrub clean, almost as if to make sure his death wasn’t forgotten within the next century. Not that he dared to, Wooyoung made the best meals beside his mother and both of them were gone now; sometimes he could still smell the delicious bibimbap Wooyoung prepared for the group every supper.

His ragtag team of six shrunk down to three after that incident. The eldest- Yunho and Hongjoong- decided to offer themselves up as zombie hunters and went after the abnormally strong zombie they had encountered. 

Before the group split up, San hadn’t really had the time to explore potential friendships with the team. Everyone’s life and the food stock was on the line- they were a group of six men who exerted a lot of energy carrying out undead murders. The pay wasn’t much for the service and the worry of running out of food was constantly added onto their burdens; almost none of the families they helped seemed remotely happy they were getting rid of the very nightmares that haunted them, some of them even went out of their way to mistreat their team because of their occupation. Losing their chatterbox to a fucking zombie certainly didn’t do their communications any good either, judging by the way San had overheard Hongjoong sobbing his eyes out on the roof until dawn.

Hongjoong and Yunho’s fateful departure left him guarding the shelter with two of the most insane people on the team. How Yunho thought that was wise was beyond his knowledge. 

For starters. Mingi was trigger happy. Song Mingi, self-taught gun prodigy and math genius, was scared of everything that moved. He shot everything in sight, once almost grazing San’s lip with a stray bullet. Mingi did offer to kiss it better that led up to a round of somewhat brutal sex on the rooftop, hence leading them to develop their current ongoing questionable friendship. (Mingi was hot when he talked about how to take care of his guns, okay?) There was also Kang Yeosang, his childhood friend that went missing when he was around 12 years old. Apparently Yeosang had been kidnapped by a pack of wolves when he went on a walk in the woods alone, somehow grew up with the wolves as if he was Tarzan himself. The weirdest part was that he also managed to sneak into a public school with absolutely no ID. He went to community college right after he graduated, learnt a thing or two about first aid and came back out to work at an autoshop, just before the virus hit. They were an unlikely bunch, but San was just glad that he managed to get along with everyone well enough to preserve his own life.

A figure at the edge of the forest he was patrolling caught his eye. The way they held their body up looked jaunty, but the way they lurched every few steps was terrifying. The figure looked normal from a distance but as it got closer, San realized that it was in fact inhuman. He had stumbled upon a zombie. Shit. 

He had to do something before he became brainfood, quite literally.

To his surprise, the zombie didn’t seem interested in eating or tearing him apart as it stumbled towards him. When it got to a close distance, San noticed that it wasn’t waiting to pounce on him with it’s bony hind legs, it was just aiming to come for a closer look. For what, he didn’t know, but the zombie’s gaze looked rather searching on his gaunt face.

“Hi?” He said dumbly.

The zombie’s ears seemed to perk up at the human voice. It instantly plopped down to the ground on all fours, looking quite comfortable for a creature that preferred to destroy anyone that came across it. For some reason, the zombie who was kneeling in front of him resembled a cat when it would tilt its head to the side.

“Dude, you got lucky. You literally stumbled across a shelter, let us heal you,” San tiredly dragged a hand down his face. He knew that Yeosang was dying to have a patient to play around with ever since the group broke apart, there was literally no harm in bringing a zombie puppy back if he was this malleable anyway. 

When the zombie did not respond, he decided to talk some more in hopes of inflicting a reaction. He pointed at the zombie’s bruised fist, trying hard not to flinch at the decaying flesh. 

“You’re wounded. I can bring you to someone who can help you.”

The zombie looked up at him with it’s glassy round eyes and let out a sound that was a mixture of a croon and a bark. It seemed to ponder about San’s offer until it zoned in on the guns and knives strapped around his legs, then it started to growl, pounding a bruised fist against the earth.

Raising his hands up in surrender, San immediately backed away. “No, no! We don’t want to fucking fight you- close your mouth oh my god!”

The zombie had dropped his jaw with the intentions of releasing a deafening snarl, but not with the desired effect. Instead of curling up its lip and emitting what would be an intimidating rumbling sound, it’s half-chewed through tongue immediately flopped down from the roof of its mouth that it had previously been stuck to. A hoard of buzzing flies escaped from his throat, slipping in between the garish yellow shrapnels that used to be the zombie’s teeth. Furthermore, some of the flesh of his gums had been torn, leaving the root of its teeth visible from even a distance. The sound that left the zombie was nothing more than a pained groan, the zombie seemed to deflate and curl into itself even more after hearing the sound it had made. 

The sight of what remained of the zombie was disgusting, had it been Mingi who was on the patrol, he would have shot the zombie with no hesitation; but because it was San who was leading this patrol and not Mingi, he got to decide what he was going to do with the zombie! He wasn’t about to shoot the zombie when it hadn’t tried to maul him off, the zombie was acting far too nice to be dangerous- He knew all about danger, ever since he started his job as a zombie slayer all those years ago. He was more than equipped to take on this grotesque cutie pie.

“Jesus Christ! You’re fucking hideous!” Against his best survival instinct he swore loudly, trying his hardest to scare the zombie in front of him.

The zombie slowly closed its jaw shut, effectively trapping the unlucky flies back into his mouth as it attempted a blink. It took the zombie a few tries to officially close his eyelids, but there was an attempt.

San tried again, making his eyes nearly pop out of his skull as he attempted a silly face and some weird sounds.

“Nyeh? Omomomo… Bbbbbbbbbt!”

The zombie started to stand up on its hind legs as soon as San finished and managed to do a pawing motion. It tipped its head towards San and slowly opened its mouth. Its tongue lolled forward, the zombie drooled and spluttered at the ground, causing San to take a few steps back.

The zombie resembled a puppy, despite how gross and unsanitary it acted. 

Whooping joyfully, San took the machete that was strapped to his side and threw it towards the nearest tree in hopes of severing a branch. The zombie, scared by the sudden emerging weapon, started to moan as if it was hurt.

“Oh shush, puppy! We’re going to get you home and checked up, and then I can name you!”

The zombie miraculously stopped moaning and instead started to scuffle it’s fists on the ground, as if it was fidgeting out of curiosity.

After what seemed like an hour, San finally had cut down a thick branch from the tree. His machete looked worn out and quite frankly it should have broken down since a machete was not supposed to be used for cutting large branches. Mingi would have a field day when he finally had something to do with his weapon and toolbox knowledge. He beckoned to the zombie, tossed one end of the branch towards the zombie and mimicked taking a bite with his hands full. It took the zombie a few minutes to understand what he was going for, but in the end it chomped it’s teeth down on the end of the bark.

With the zombie latched onto the branch, San started to drag the branch as he walked back to the base, the puppy-like zombie following a few inches behind obediently.

* * *

Much to his dismay, Yeosang was not happy with their last-minute addition. A glare pierced the back of his neck as San attempted to pull the obedient zombie through the steel barricade doors.

“Yeosangieeeee!”

“San.” Yeosang greeted him coolly, extending his glare to the zombie that was slobbering around the stick he was holding. “I thought we weren’t supposed to bring in contaminated species until we got the signal.”

San threw his end onto the ground and dusted his hands off, feeling the prickling twinge in his hands as it cramped up. He hissed as he picked out a few wooden shards sticking out of his gloves and pouted back at his fellow bunkermate, who looked like he was going to burst into flames. “The poor thing is helpless! Look, it’s fists are hurt!"

As he spoke, San nudged the zombie’s bruised fists with his leg. To his surprise, the zombie opened its jaw and howled in pain, as if it was protesting against San’s brutal movements.

Yeosang stiffened noticeably at the noise and folded his arms against his chest.

San felt himself wilt under his friend’s heated gaze, small flames of guilt slowly licking up his back. Yeosang had been ranting about being bored and wanting someone to experiment on all week so he had taken upon himself to give him a little gift. It wasn’t as if he had brought havoc back to the base. The zombie barely reacted when it saw him at first and he wasn’t anywhere infected. Zombies also didn’t seem to be capable of thoughts, this one just so happened to be a little more confused than hostile. He really didn’t see what the problem was with his friend.

“You sure the zombie’s helpless, dumbass? It’s so fucking loud, it could attract more of its kind towards our base,” Yeosang spat, running a hand through his greasy blonde hair. 

“It didn’t react to me when I first met it!” San shot back, placing his hands on his waist as he tried to explain himself. “You’ve been complaining about wanting something to do all week so here it is, I found you something."

He turned back to look at the zombie, who was now sporting a sad drooly pout. It had lifted a hand to its mouth and started to suck on the fingers quietly like a cute (deformed) toddler. Instantly recovering from his hissy fit with how cute the zombie was acting, San pulled out his phone and opened up Snapchat, eagerly swiping through the filters so that he could capture the cute moment. The zombie only seemed to sit up taller as the front camera of his phone flashed, making its pout more prominent.

“Look, it’s obedient. Yeosangie, give it a chance~!”

Yeosang eyed him with an unimpressed expression, his hand sneaking just below his pants pocket for the gun he had strapped there. “You just took a selfie with a zombie. Can you be serious for one moment please?”

Before either of them could respond, the doorknob from the storage room rattled on the door frame. A frazzled looking Mingi walked out with one of the spare guns that had been sitting inside for forever, he looked like he was in the process of cleaning it. He froze at the sight in front of him and blinked.

“Am I- Is there a zombie- What?”

This was going to be a long night.

* * *

It was decided after a long discussion that the zombie could stay in the basement cells. Yeosang grudgingly agreed to keep him hostage for experiments after Mingi gave his green light, agreeing that the zombie was harmless; Mingi and San were sorted to be on guard duty for the zombie in addition to their patrols as a result, though only San would be feeding it as the zombie seemed to have grown attached to his ‘saviour’. Every time Mingi came close with a freshly killed animal he had found outside, the zombie had curled up against the corner of the cell and let out a pitiful howl, as if he wasn’t wanted around.

Despite the arrangements, Yeosang had ignored San everytime he brought up the zombie in conversation the next few days, often leaving him alone with Mingi so that he could ‘work in peace’ without the newly acquired pet zombie. The blond medic had insisted on having all three of his daily meals inside his clinic, instead of the boarded off conference room where they discussed emergency plans once a week.

San understood why his friend was upset with him attracting potential danger to the base, but he was also a responsible person at heart. They had all seen what had happened to Wooyoung, it wasn’t like he didn’t know what to expect when he came across the zombie. He didn’t think that he deserved the lecture that he was given for misconduct. 

Coming to think of it, it was almost like Yeosang had wanted to use the events of what had happened in the last few days to avoid him. That was fine, he had chores that he hadn’t been putting off all week; he had to bribe Mingi with a week's worth of jajangmyeon meals just to keep his mouth shut about his misdeeds. Yeosang wasn’t a clean freak but he didn’t tolerate messy rooms.

Yeosang had gone out to get supplies earlier on, leaving him and Mingi stuck cleaning weapons. Thanks to their medic’s departure, they had more than an hour to kill before it was feeding time for the zombie.

Cleaning equipment was another boring chore San hated. When the older hyungs were around, he used to trade chores with Wooyoung. He would be in charge of the dishes that Wooyoung loathed doing, while Wooyoung helped him clean his blades. Wooyoung was really skilled at cleaning grime out of the sharp crevices of a blade and so was Mingi- a flick of their hand had all of the soot stuck in the dimples of the knife removed.

Unbeknownst to all of them, his real reason for avoiding the chores was actually because of how hot his teammates looked cleaning knives. Having two of his teammates wearing sleeveless shirts and polishing knives really got him going for some reason- he already knew he was gay from a young age- and it really didn’t help him when he had to fight zombies later with his own cock sitting heavily between his legs. 

Unfortunately for San, Mingi made it his mission to monitor his work today.

And that was why San was currently kneeling on the floor with Mingi’s monster cock flat on his tongue, making it his damn mission to dutifully give the tip a few kitten licks every time he reached the top.

He manages to speak between licks, pride seeping through his voice as he breaks his friend down, “Ha-Have I ever told you how much I love sucking your cock?” “San-ah,” Mingi panted as he gave his cock an extra hard suck, “What br-brought this on? I thought you came to c-clean?”

He pushed forward until he nosed the hairs protruding from his friend’s pelvis, and moaned around the heavy weight in his mouth. Mingi’s thighs quivered at the sudden vibration and gripped his hair roughly, He delivered yet another long suck, slowly easing his cock out of his mouth to answer his friend. “I couldn't help it, you were too hot when you wiped them down. Made me feel like you were teasing me.” His voice had a hoarse edge to it, just the way he liked it.

“S-So eager to please, c’mere..”

He felt the familiar pleasant tingle run down his spine as Mingi pulled him closer by his hair, forcing him to mouth at the underside of his cock. The grip in his hair was harsh. His back automatically arched at the contact.

“Nnngh- We have to feed the z-zombie soon, make it quick.”

He huffed out a soft laugh, feeling Mingi pulse under his touch. Not wanting to waste the opportunity, he yanked Mingi’s cock and used it to deliver a harsh slap to his face, silently revelling in how quickly Mingi reacted. “I didn’t know you were looking forward to feed my pet, hnnngh. I don’t even have a name for it yet.”

“Do, haaaah, do you want one- Oh shit, do that again- It’s a guy, I saw it y-yesterday when it c-crawled away from me, when I w-was feeding it.” 

He could tell Mingi was close by how even his hand started to tremble. Mingi was very sensitive and didn’t like to be overstimulated, the knowledge accumulated from the few times they hooked up in the kitchen and dorms. Making sure he had a firm grip of his cock in his hands, he forcefully took his friend’s cock back into his mouth and matched it with his frequent strokes. Tears matted his face from the frequent assault on his throat as he drooled, leaving traces of their lust everywhere. His pants felt awfully constricted.

When Mingi came, everything became too bright. It was like there were fireworks being set inside him, burning him every so often with the flares. He hummed, slumping down to lean against Mingi’s legs as support. For a while they were silent, trying to rest from the strenuous activity that had just occurred.

“I want to name him Hwaseong, Hwa for short,” He said as he straightened up his collar and adjusted his pants. “He might be unable to speak, but he understands us just fine. He’s an oddball like having an alien from Mars.”

“Good name,” Mingi answered softly, as if he wasn’t sure whether he was coming back into focus as he extended his hand to San, presumably to comfort him,“You’re lucky that I finished your portion of chores, San. Yeosang would have a fit if you didn’t and I only did it to keep your new friend alive.”

Leaning into the warmth of his friend’s palm, San smiled. “Of course you did. Thank you for taking care of me.”

He heard a ghost of snort in reply. “No problem, idiot.”

Neither of them noticed Yeosang had returned; the way he peered into the doorway with an expression of morbid curiosity that melted into saddened uncertainty, or the way he stood still for a long moment before bolting away.

* * *

The next day was uneventful apart from the fun they had. The newly named zombie got his fill of live rabbits that Mingi had found in a burrow outside of the shelter on patrol, Hwa practically salivating and snarling as San hauled them into the cell. It was hard to get used to looking into scared rabbit eyes and hearing their brittle bones snap within a split second- at least Hwa wasn’t as much of a messy eater as the rest of the zombies he faced, he wouldn’t have wanted to see bloody rabbit organs strewn across the cheek of his cute baby.

Hwa was more alert and observant than most zombies. He knew how to communicate with small gestures and sounds at the same time. It was weird hearing a zombie coo and purr as it scuffled around in the cell with a plush toy they had found at a burial site, but it warmed San’s heart to see that the zombie was almost like a child.

Children were rare to come across in the apocalypse. Most hadn’t been strong enough to survive. Hwa’s cute behaviour was most definitely a sight for sore eyes.

For hours straight San supervised the zombie’s actions, fearing that Hwa might have gotten lonely in his stay. In the last few visits he had attempted to read Hwa fairy tale bedtime stories and the zombie had ended up crooning in what sounded like a sad tone, as if he didn’t want to listen to them. Every time a princess was mentioned he shrunk into himself. He soon stopped reading him those stories when the zombie broke down and wailed, offering as many soothing words as he could through the bars of his cell. Whatever Hwaseong went through as a human must have been extremely traumatizing, even before his turning. No wonder he willingly went through with the procedure, this would have been his first choice to escape from his abuser.

He glanced at the clock on the wall. It was currently ten to four, which meant he had to finish up meal time with Hwaseong so that he could prepare for another round of patrol at four fifteen. How unfair had the world become? He had finally found his one passion outside of work, taking care of others in need, but he wasn’t allowed to spend time exploring the possibilities. Instead, his life depended wholly on his survival skills- he had already lost his will to live during the last few years while figuring out how to live efficiently.

For once, San had to force himself to get up from the rickety wooden chair he had been sitting on for the past two hours. Hwa peered at him from the insides of the cage, his unusually bright eyes glimmering in the dark. For the first time since last week’s rescue, his red eyes no longer seemed daunting when it glowed faintly in the dark. It started to represent a beating heart full of unshed emotions and determination to find life in the dull world, and San was more than happy to have helped him harvest that potential.

“I’ll come back later with some fresh kill, little star.” He started as he carefully exited the cells, watching Hwaseong blink slowly at him from the corner of his eye. The zombie raised its hand slowly and gave an experimental flick, almost like he was waving him goodbye.

God bless Hwaseong and his little strong heart.

* * *

Yeosang stopped him by the door, demanding for a basic checkup before he ventured out for patrol. Mingi didn’t seem too bothered by the doctor’s orders as he stood aside and waited for them. He looked very inquisitive and pensive, an expression that San hadn’t seen much outside of the dorms, save for back when his friend was mostly handling the difficult finances and budgets for the group. None of the group members seemed to be handy with math, thank god someone in their group had the brains to stop everyone from overspending on gadgets and supplies.

The medical bay was spotless as always, save for the mountains of paperwork and coffee-stained mugs lining the work desk that the medic probably lived on. His supplies on the other hand were neatly organized. Yeosang sat him down on the prop up cot closest to his work desk and dived straight into procedures, prodding him with various tools. San didn’t bother to strike up a conversation as he enjoyed the ride. It was best to let him work in peace whenever someone was in the shop anyway. 

The few measurements and reflex checks passed by quickly, thanks to Yeosang’s handiwork. The atmosphere in the room was stiffer and colder than usual. The white walls felt almost claustrophobic to him, occasionally closing in his peripherals. It was torture.

Yeosang spoke up as they neared the end of the height and weight checkup. “You’re getting attached to your pet.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Your pet, uh, Hwaseong.” Yeosang took in a deep inhale as if he was trying to hold back strong emotions, a habit he had earned after… after Wooyoung. “He- It’s a zombie. You’re attached to it.”

San pursed his lips in annoyance. Why were they talking about Hwaseong again? Didn’t Yeosang approve of his stay already? Why were they going back in circles? “I thought you approved of him staying..?” "You brought an unknown species into the house, I have a right to be worried."

He huffed. "You're overreacting. I can make decisions for myself, thank you very much! It's almost like you don't trust me, a grown man.." Yeosang didn't speak, so he continued. "I didn't put anyone in danger, I assessed the situation and didn't head into it recklessly like Wooyo-"

He could feel the temperature in the room drop. Yeosang looked like he was about to cry at any moment, his eyes glistening with unshed tears as he bit his bottom lip a few times. 

Deep down inside San knew he should have apologized as soon as he said that. Wooyoung's death wasn't taken lightly by the others, a lot of them had been very close to him before his untimely death. It was reasonable to act that way; the maknae had been playfully chasing his hyungs around and next thing he knew, after dropping surveillance for a second, a zombie that was barely Wooyoung's height took him down. It used to hurt him to remember the turn of events and even if he was used to talking openly about it, it didn't mean the others were.

He opened his mouth to apologize, but for once the words that he wanted to speak were lodged up like fallen rubble in his throat.

The clipboard Yeosang had been scribbling onto fell to the ground with a clang. "Is that how you think of me, San?" He whispered, voice distraught.

San couldn't find any more strength in replying with Yeosang's strong gaze trained on him, so he looked away. 

He winced as he heard Yeosang let out a few choked up sobs, the silent plea for him to leave the medical bay so that he could grieve in peace.

(If he had looked back as he exited the room, he would have seen Yeosang reaching out for him with outstretched arms, tears streaming down his face openly.

But he didn't.)

* * *

“I think we should stop seeing each other.”

San watched as Mingi shot at the nearest zombie as soon as the words came out of his mouth. Muddy spurts of red liquid and bits of decayed organs came out of the wound created. It was gross. “What do you mean? I wasn’t aware that we were dating?” He pressed on, suddenly not knowing what to do with himself.

They weren’t dating secretly, were they? San was absolutely 100% that Mingi had no feelings for him. They were just good friends that occasionally blew off some steam sometimes. Back when their team was whole they used to do it with the others. Hookup culture was totally normal in their household.

_Oh god, what if Mingi liked him?_

What if he mistook the situation and accidentally hurt Mingi? He really screwed up royally, didn’t he? 

... No, that wasn’t it. He was sure of it.

Besides, Mingi knew that he had a ‘thing’ for Yeosang. The blond medic was way too good for his hands and he had noticed it right away the first day he arrived at their base. As he got to know him more, he started to notice little tidbits and pieces of Yeosang; his uncanny patience that never seemed to land him in any conflicts, his soft voice that soothed any member to sleep when they had haunting nightmares, his caring nature that he never showcased explicitly unless one of them asked…

San had always wanted Yeosang to not see him as a child, despite being several months younger than him. He was trusting by nature, but that didn’t mean he was impressionable. He had dealt with his share of the cruel world, he understood what was dangerous and what was risky. That’s why it hurt when Yeosang pestered and questioned him about how he was dealing with Hwaseong. He didn’t understand what Yeosang made it such a big deal and deep down inside he felt hurt at the thought that Yeosang didn’t trust him.

He didn’t notice that Mingi was trying to talk to him until he saw his lips move.

“We aren’t. You know I don’t have feelings for you, I don’t either.”

_Oh thank god..._

A zombie snarled to his right, it’s dirty hands dug into his camo trousers. The grip it had was strong, too strong for its own fingers as one of them fell off during the process. San took it as a chance to slam the butt of the gun into its skull. He smirked as he watched as it crumpled to the ground, only to jump as a bullet flew past him and embedded itself into the zombie’s chest. 

What a show off.

“Then why did you bring it up, if we’re good? What else is there to talk about?”

Mingi shrugged, reaching into the back pocket in his pants as soon as they were in the clear. He refilled his ammo with the handful of bullets, flexing his arm in the meantime as if he was dying to punch a wall.

“I just don’t think that our arrangement will benefit your crush on Yeosang hyung in the long run. You have feelings for him and yet here you are sleeping around with me and as your friend, it is my duty to tell you that it’s not healthy to move on like that.” 

“What am I supposed to do, Mingi?” A cry of anguish tore from his throat as a massive horde of tangled up emotions exploded inside of his chest, despite his attempts to keep it quiet. He had kept these feelings buried down so deeply because he didn’t want to make a mistake. If he could avoid developing feelings by brushing things aside, they could work in peace as a team. No one would be harmed or torn apart because of his own stupid feelings. He couldn’t take it if the group separated after… after what all had happened. “What if this tears us apart?”

San didn’t bother to face his friend after his outburst, instead turned aside to hide the tears that had started to drip onto his face. He just wanted to have a family that he could go to when trouble arose, he didn’t want to lose the people he cared about again. Was that too much to ask for?

Just as he predicted Mingi didn’t try to comfort him verbally, knowing full well that in his current emotional state it would be like he was talking to a brick wall. A small chunk of his chest warmed, he was grateful for his friend knowing his boundaries. He did eventually feel arms wrap around him, temporarily shielding him away from the world that crumbled around them. He could feel the grit on his skin rub uncomfortably onto his clothes, but he didn’t hesitate to press into Mingi’s chest as more tears began to fall.

“Talk to him, you can’t escape him forever.”

He felt Mingi’s chest vibrate as he spoke, the familiarity of the gesture making him smile at the feeling. He squeezed his friend closer, hesitant to let go of the friend who knew him so well.

“I’ll try.”

* * *

Mingi hauled his ass to the medical bay as soon as they get back from patrol. One of his arms has a nasty bleeding scratch wound, thanks to a mishap which involved him crashing into the bark of a tree while trying to dodge a zombie bite. He was pretty sure that he had a bruise on his knee from that impact as well but it didn’t hurt. Compared to the intense emotions he had felt during his little pep talk, a wound felt like nothing.

Yeosang wasn’t at his desk when they arrived, which meant San had to hunt him down on his own if he wanted treatment as soon as possible. The latter was either hiding away from the medical bay because of their argument or he wanted some alone time to sort out his paperwork, either of those actions completely reasonable when it came to Yeosang.

He ignored Mingi’s worried glance and started to walk down the hallway leading towards the kitchen. He wanted a snack anyway.

The hallways, once filled with chatter and shouts, now felt haunted. He had learnt to cope by blocking out the lingering sounds in his mind and resorted to aggressively listening to his collection of emo music, but without a charged phone that was impossible.

He should have known that he had to face Yeosang sooner or later. At the entryway of the kitchen,hHis crush and best friend was huddled up on the edge of the sink sobbing his eyes out. He had a glass of water gripped in his hands tightly, the top of the cup had been precariously tipped over and the water spilled into the sink steadily. It seemed that the cup was filled up recently judging by the amount of water still inside the cup.

He didn’t dare to breathe, too scared to startle and break what sanity was left in Yeosang’s solitude. 

Time stood still. All he could see was the blurred out patterns of their wallpaper as he walked towards his friend and pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. The sound of a pained wail pierced the walls of his heart but he pressed on, not letting his hyung escape his arms. If he let go, he would be gone forever and he couldn’t stand that thought.

He could feel Yeosang shaking in his arms as he inhaled sharply. His fingers twitched while being crushed between his arms and he twisted around a few times, trying to find a position that was more comfortable. Eventually, he felt them ghost around his waist hesitantly before settling on his hip, thrumming some kind of unspoken beat onto his skin.

He looked so fragile, small and helpless in this position. San wanted, felt the need to protect his hyung.

“San, ah, I-”

“I’m sorry for saying what I said earlier.”

A bubble of laughter surfaced as he watched Yeosang dry his tears, his bottom lip jutted out in a pout as he tried to make sense of things. The hands on his hips fisted at the fabric of his shirt and he let out his own whine, a needy feeling enveloping his heart at the cute sight.

“I’m sorry I invalidated your worries, I’m sorry I yelled at you, that was uncalled for.”

Yeosang shook his head, as much as he could manage while being trapped. “You had your reasons, I understand. I was controlling you.”

“No it’s not, Yeosangie! I hurt you by reminding you of your worst fears. I should apologize for that.”

Somehow, during their apologies, they had lowered themselves to sit on the ground. Yeosang looked comfortable with the way he was curled into his lap. His heart skipped a beat.

“Please don’t leave me,” He confessed, burying his head into his mop of blond hair, “I love you too much to lose you.”

His heart broke into a million pieces as Yeosang stiffened at his confession and turned to look at him with the coldest expression he had witnessed. 

“You- You don’t mean that,” Yeosang’s voice broke as he scrambled up to face him fully. He rose a shaky hand to his chest and prodded it with his index finger, taking great care to make sure that the poke hurt. “You were, you were with Mingi. You’re always with him these days.”

He winced. Of course Yeosang saw, they hadn’t been careful with their affair. 

“I was- I was afraid- afraid of losing you after I confessed to you, afraid you wouldn’t see me in the same light. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” 

San wished that Yeosang would grant him the chance to treat him right for once instead of him running away cowardly back into the cheap embrace that Mingi enabled, but he didn’t know if he deserved a chance after hurting him so much. 

“I love you, I really do.”

Biting his lip anxiously, he waited with baited breath for a response.

They didn’t speak for a long time. Yeosang still had his hands uncomfortably looped around his waist as he played with the fabric of his shirt, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. This was the love of his life and he mattered much more to him than his own comfort.

“Okay, Sannie,” Yeosang murmured, when the sky outside had fallen dark, “I love you too.” 

* * *

They made drunken love in the cramped library that Hongjoong built that night. If Yeosang remembered the way San caressed his cheeks lovingly just moments before they fell asleep, he didn’t mention it in the morning.

Not a lot had been resolved between them. San hoped that one day he would be able to untie his knots and give Yeosang all that he deserved.

One day, he would make Wooyoung proud.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time finishing a long fic ahahaha, to be honest I joined this on a whim and forgot that I have a lot of WIPs on my profile (I will get back to them as soon as I can!). I really like San and Yeosang's dynamic so I chose to explore their relationship more- I admit that I wasn't too sure I nailed down their personalities at all.
> 
> (I am terrible at writing porn. I am so sorry for whatever I've created in that section.)
> 
> Special thanks to my group of moots on twitter who entrusted their crazy ideas to me. I wouldn't have finished this without your support and encouragements.. even though you knew that once I started to write this would be insane. 
> 
> Comments are much appreciated! As for my secret santa, please let me know if you liked it :3


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